Bittersweet
by FragilePuzzle
Summary: Near contemplates his feelings, discovering his relationship with a certain someone is more bitter than sweet. It's a good thing he never had much of an affliction for the sugary, unlike him. Short-ish, T for slightly suggestive themes. Onesided MxN.


_Knowing…knowing that I cannot have you, that as much as I want you, you will never want me…it is part of the sick, masochistic pleasure. While it pains me to see you turn your blue eyes away from where I sit on the floor, curled up into a small ball of white, my knee to my chest; it brings me pleasure to know that, in order for your eyes to turn away from me, they had to be on me at one point or another._

_I lie in bed at night, and your name passes my lips in breathy pants._

"_A-ah…ah…h-hah…"_

_Though you don't take the time to notice, my puzzle no longer holds an 'L' in the corner, but an 'M.' You don't care, though that small, gothic font is probably my entire heart, shrunk down to a standard size-twelve ink blot on a piece of paper._

_My pillow is always tearstained after my nightly encounters with my thoughts. You're lying beside me, not bothering to wipe up those tears, only staring as my normally-monotone mask shatters into pieces. You hold the shards in you hand, tossing them aside as though they were nothing._

_I can see the way you look at him. It digs a knife into my chest, the metal roughly jabbing in between my ribs to rip at my insides, but all I do is quietly turn my eyes back to the puzzle on the floor, or the Rubix cube in my hand, acting as though nothing had changed._

_If I told you, would you have believed me?_

"_Mello…"_

_You turn around to answer my small whisper that sounds to you more like a plea than anything, but you quickly dismiss that thought, because you couldn't comprehend the fact that I could need you. I see a look in your eyes that shows just how much you despise my being, sincere hate in those blue orbs I have always thought to be so beautiful._

"_Never mind."_

I trudge down the hallways of Wammy's, my arms that everybody thinks are much too thin hanging limply by my sides. The same corridors lead the same maze to my bedroom which I knew would be just that—it would be exactly the same as it was every day. There is no change in my life. Each day, it is studying, pining for your attention, and being rejected once again.

I must become smarter, I must become L, I must not let my brain go to waste.

"Look at him…"

I ignore their whispers, my mind only thinking of you, of course, one of my weak arms raising to my head of snow-white hair and beginning to softly twirl a lock of hair around my spidery index finger.

I allow my eyes to flicker over to the arching glass windows, seeing the gray London sky outside, the soft pattering of rain filling my ears as the drops pitter-pattered against the panes of the only eyes I had to the world.

I continue to make my way to my room, thinking about the terrible fate that had awaited all of L's first successors. A had committed suicide. B had gone criminally insane. Was it my turn next? Would I die without you?

It was coming…I was simply growing dull of the things that used to hold my attention so raptly. Nothing seemed to matter without you. The rooms that used to seem warm with you were gone.

As I passed the common room, I saw you sitting on a couch in the middle of the room. He was absorbed in a videogame, and you were eating a chocolate bar, your arms gently intertwined.

I tried to ignore the sting, the burn, the tear, and arrived at my room, gently twisting the doorknob open, letting the oaken door swing open in front of me.

I always thought the room reminded me of a hospital, everything pristine and white…there was not a single thing out of place. It was as I like it.

I am in despair. Even the thought that I had created this perfection could not cheer me up. What have you done to me, what poisons have you injected, what addictive pain have you forced me to become a junkie on?

I catch sight of the window, I can tell that it looks so inviting, so enticing. It is my escape to the world, no longer only eyes…I want to leave this place, to leave it all behind. I am sick of it. I yearn for a childhood, one that my toys could simply not bring back.

My fingers unlock the lock on the latch.

I am number one, but I cannot have everything. Why?

I am slowly pushing the window open and allowing the cold air to flood the room.

A few drops of cold rainwater manage to make their way in as well. I can feel them hitting my dead skin and sending shivers throughout my petite frame.

I slowly hoist myself on to the windowsill, slipping my legs outside of the window.

I let my feet grip at the bricks of the wall of Wammy's.

A small case of nauseous vertigo overcomes me as I look down at the ground three stories below, but now I realize, it doesn't matter if I fall or not. It would not hurt you, so it does not hurt me either.

So I jump. It was all for you. A small whisper escapes my lips before I hit the ground, my skull shattering, my blood staining the water-soaked ground.

"_Mello…"_

Do you notice me now?

* * *

**End Note: **Just a little drabble I wrote when I was feeling down. ; ) It was to keep a promise.

~FragilePuzzle


End file.
